Never Lost, never Will
by Alan wannabe
Summary: Alan's friends at C,P, & Schmidt are concerned that he is not receiving the sort of affection from Denny that he deserves


Never Lost, Never Will...

(Alan and Denny slash)

Denny was famous for boasting that he had never lost a court case, and that he never would!

Even in the twilight of his years, he was married to Alan and he began to feel that that that circumstance would assure him of an unbroken string of winning cases and life events. For that reason, if for no other, he had sworn his wealth and opulence would pass to Alan Shore on his death. However, with Alan's efforts and goodwill, it seemed that event would never occur. Alan worked by day in a Legal Aid Firm, and at evening, he came home to his and Denny's condo, not far from the firm where he worked. Denny would either have cooked the evening meal for them both, or ordered one in. After their evening meal, Alan and Denny would sit either on the balcony, as they had done at Crane, Poole, and Schmidt, or on the condo balcony and watch the evening fall over Boston. If they remained inside, both would curl up in each other's arms on the couch and stare into the flames of their fireplace. If Denny needed a re-fill of his anti-Alzheimer's medication, Alan would go out that evening and get it or, if the need wasn't immediate, he would wait and and pick it up on his way to work and return with it immediately. Of course, Denny retained a maid to keep the place spotless and comfortable for them both, especially since Alan had told him that one of the reasons he had resided in a hotel, before he had moved in with Denny, was that he liked fresh linen every night. Alan had risen early each morning to make the coffee and breakfast, and clean the kitchen before he left for work. In that way, they had lived comfortable and happily for some 10 years now. Each time Denny felt any discomfort whatsoever, Alan was on his feet immediately tending him. Alan felt happy and needed and useful. Denny felt tended and very happy. Each of them wondered if they would be as comfortable and needed for very long. It almost seemed too good to be true. Marriage to your best friend seemed such a good idea, they wondered why more people didn't try it! Admittedly the sugar in the deal for men was a reliable source for sex who would not dispense her favors on other men. And, as Denny had said at the beginning, their relationship was lacking in the sexual department. But in friendship and reliability and the audience factor, they had a perfect relationship, with Alan being so liberal and forgiving and solicitous, Denny could think of no better companion. He knew well how to pleasure himself, and he knew many hookers on an intimate basis.

One rainy and dreary day, who should come knocking at Denny's door, but his long-loved Shirley Schmidt.

"Denny," she said with silk in her voice, "it's such a miserable day that I thought I would check on you and see how you are." She walked into his comfy and warm condo and sat down on his sofa. "You know, you have been fond of saying that you have never lost a case, and you never will. With Alan to care for you so lovingly, it seems you never will lose. I've never known a man so lucky!"

"Not even Carl?"

"Not even. Sometimes I think he even envies you!"

"How is that possible?"

"Remember how Alan used to tell you, 'Sex isn't everything'. Nor is recognizing every one you have met!"

"Aw, that's just Alan. You know how he is. If there is anything I can't do, it doesn't matter to him!"

"I think that is admirable!"

"Well, it wasn't enough to get you to sleep with him!"

"I might have been closer than you thought, Denny. Aw, but what am I talking about? Carl is just wonderful for me!"

Denny squinted his red-rimmed eyes at her. "I know that he told Alan when we all married that he was a good sport for marrying me! Have his attentions been wandering?"

"Aw, you wish! Denny!"

"I think that Carl meant that as a compliment to Alan, that he knew that Alan was the best attorney we had, and probably the deepest thinker as well. And for him to have taken on you with all your problems and challenges was uncharacteristically bold and assertive of even Alan! And Carl and I both saw both you and Alan as heterosexuals, and particularly Alan is so very HETEROsexual to the point of being almost too much so for many females in our office!"

"I have been just as hetero as Alan has!"

"I only meant to say that Alan seems more sophisticated in his sexual tastes and experience, we figured that of the two of you he is probably more likely to have had a wider range of sexual experiences than you, Denny!"

"Maybe not with women, you know!"

"I know a lot of women, Denny!"

"Well, I know a lot of Alan!"

"Really, tell!"

"He doesn't really have man-hair! Just a lot of fuzz!"

"I'm told by other women that man-hair doesn't do a lot for them!"

"Well, I'm told by other women that it does!" This exchange went on for a while, alternating sides between Shirley and Denny, you get the picture!

"Well, it's like he hasn't advanced much since the 1980's; Except that his toupe' isn't as good as mine!"

"No,Denny,yours cost a lot more, no?"

"I'll give you that, Alan is more like a member of the rat pack, one of the villans so numerous there. One of the pretty boys from 1980's brat pack movies! And he was earning that much about the time, when I was making my first million... and that's why!"

"That's why he is prettier than you?

"Prettier, I'll give you that! Just ask any female in the office! But prettiness doesn't earn our firm money, does it?"

"Not unless it is also intelligent and eloquent as well, as Alan is!"

"Hey, I was younger and prettier myself a while ago, wasn't I Shirley? Just never as pretty as the brat pack kids, and I had sense and eloquence as well, myself!"

"Oh, yes, you were, Denny! But as you say, never as pretty as the brat-packers!"

"That's right, they were for looking at, as Alan still is, but look at who he loves now! A deteriorating old sick man with a better toupee!"

"Who loves him back, don't you, Denny?"

"Oh, yes, yes,yes...Oh of course, of course, although I fear he thinks that I love him like a son, only!"

"And how does that differ from reality, Denny?"

"He's a very sexy man, Shirley! Sexy enough to even tempt my homophobia! Maybe only the Mentalist is better looking!"

"I think he would love to hear that, Denny."

"I suspect he knows it, Shirley!"

"How does he know it, Denny?"

"I've played with him so that he knows it!"

"Like me?"

"He's not like you, Shirley. He insists on being his own man!"

"I have always insisted on being my own woman as well. So, I am like him in that respect. Is there any reason why he shouldn't be?"

"Men are really different, Shirley!"

"Do you mean that you can't handle him?"

"Women are softer in their demands!"

"They don't insist on not being you?"

"No they don't! I think Alan may be me! With some youth and excellent appearance and eloquence! That's the difference!"

"I thought you said he insists on being his own man. But he loves you. I have made sure of that. He's so much of a liberal and a Democrat that he cannot refuse an old sick man!"

"Is that all he is to you?"

"And more, because he loves me, I picked him up out of that last losing firm and gave him a place on the world stage, he is indebted to me! And he has convinced himself that he is my savior, and he cannot abandon me to my fate. Oh, I can see how you women do it. Convince a man he loves you and he will not leave you as long as he is your savior. Isn't that right, Shirley?"

"But we have to love him in return! Each of us have to have our own place! Don't underestimate him, Denny."

"I haven't! I know he could just as well leave me tomorrow, Shirley. But as you know, once a man loves you, he becomes committed. With or without marriage, and Alan did not need a wedding ring to make up his mind on that one! I have never asked anyone to marry me without being sure s/he would agree first!"

"You were right about that one for sure. I would never have bent over the desk like he did for you (so to speak)!"

"You do see, Shirley! That's because you are stronger than Alan, Shirley."

"Or less hooked on you! That's exactly what I mean!"

"Are you saying that you don't love Alan?" Shirley tried again.

"Does a father not love his son?"

"Does a father fuck his son?"

"Did I ever say I fucked Alan?"

"No, but I assumed that you two had at least given yourselves to each other by now!"

"In his eyes, we have, I think! The man is such a dreamer, Shirley! I think he comes in his pants every time we hold hands!"

"That's some devotion!"

"Well, Alan is almost more than devoted! And what I feel for him is equally strong! For him to commit to a lifetime of running and fetching for an older man who is already a legend in his own time(mind), is almost more than I could ever do for anyone! We have become the jerk off kings of "Back Bay!"!

"Denny, does Alan know that you may not really love him?"

"Shirley, the guy is so lonely, that I don't think it has even occurred to him!"

"This almost doesn't even sound like you!"

"To take advantage of some one who loves me? Come on, Shirley, haven't you?"

"Not that way, Denny, especially not my best friend!"

"Shirley, you don't understand! The man is besotted with me! I can do no wrong in his eyes! He is more than my marital partner. He is totally taken with me!"

"He has drunk your Kool-Aide? All the more reason, not to use him as a football!" Shirley screwed up her face into almost a grimace: "Have you no conscious, Denny?"

"About what, it's not like I'm going to kill him!"

"You know Alan far better than I do, Denny. But can't you see his being hurt by this casual attitude toward him?"

"What casual attitude? I married him didn't I? Most women in my life never even get that much consideration!"

"Couldn't you just throw him a bone, Denny? Give him a hand job now and then?"

"I don't have to, Shirley. He's ecstatic as my mate alone!"

"How selfish and self-concerned, I don't recall you're ever being willing to do without sex for any time at all."

"But I have never had to!"

"And what if he is not willing to settle for nothing, and goes out and finds a man who thinks him attractive, who wants to have sex with him, and Alan contracts some STD?"

"Alan never would do that knowing that he would have to come home to me, and explain his lapse of fidelity to me!"

"And come home to what? Celibacy? YOU would never allow that for yourself, Denny!"

"Of course not, I am in the majority here, for once!"

"And personal loyalty, fealty, and personal love be damned?"

"You don't understand him...he dislikes sentimentality as much as I do."

"But do you guys dislike sentimentality when you feel you should show it, or when you think you feel it should be shown to you?"

"Both!"

"Denny, let me see if I understand you...You are not showing Alan any sexual love because he won't leave you or let you down? Does that sound right to you? Do you remember when Judge Brown came to you because he wanted to sue an organization to which he had paid $40,000 to make him no longer be desirous of men?"

"Oh, yes, that poor man, wanting so much to be something he could not be! And being ripped off at the same time!"

"Denny, have you ever found yourself desiring that yourself?"

"Don't be silly, Shirley! I have never desired a man!"

"Except Alan? Are you being completely honest with yourself, Denny?"

"I'm sure Alan doesn't think so!"

"And what if he is right?"

"In these matters, he almost never is!"

A cough at the door left open after Shirley had entered stopped them cold. They both turned to see Jerry Espenson standing there looking very embarrassed.

"Jerry!"Shirley exclaimed looking embarrassed herself. "I must have left the door open, Denny. How long have you been there, Jerry?"

Jerry reddened and said, haltingly, "Long enough to be sickened! Denny, I think that Alan loves you with his whole heart! Shame, shame, shame! Alan is not only the handsomest man I know, but the truest and the most unselfish and loyal! I know him, he would die for you!"

"You weren't here for the entire conversation, Jerry. And I know you have a terrible 'man-crush' on him!" Denny stammered out.

"What you don't know, perhaps, Denny, is that I am gay myself (the actor who portrayed Jerry on the series is himself a self-proclaimed gay man and has been very good friends with James Spader almost all of their lives(.org/wiki/Christian_Clemenson). Which only adds to the awkwardness of the Asperburger's!"

"But you married that cute little Katie Loyd!"

"Yes, she has been the charitable woman who has loved me enough to overlook all my deficits and quirks!"

"Does she know that you are gay?"

"Yes she has known for a long time. Perhaps that is why we cried together when you and Alan married! I would have done anything to please Alan, sexually or emotionally etc! Because I have loved him so long! More than Tara or Melissa or any other of his women...even Chelina! But he loved you, I could see that! Even before you did, I believe!"

"Surely not longer than I have!" Denny choked out, self-consciously.

"No, you have known him longer, but I could see the same-sex affection in his eyes! Couldn't you?"

"Of course, but I thought he and I were alike so much because we both loved women and were still best friends!"

"I did too, that's why I could hardly believe the words coming from your mouth tonight! A gay man develops a certain 'gaydar', Denny, especially if he is in love with someone! I wonder if Alan didn't do that with you too!"

"But I have never indicated to him that I felt anything for men!"

"Except him!"

Shirley intervened as she felt herself to be a part of this awful mix-up, if mix-up it was. "Jerry, tonight I have just teasing with Denny, drawing him out and trying to make him think! None of this was mean-spirited or meant to embarrass Denny, if anything it was only to try to get him to think more deeply about himself and his relationship!"

"And I think you did, Shirley." Jerry looked her straight in the eyes, and his were rimmed with moisture. "What do you think, Denny, if Alan had heard what I did?"

Denny looked a little crest fallen. "You don't really understand, Jerry, he loves me to distraction! He would have understood every thing we said! And laughed at me and Shirley!"

"You have no right to take him so for granted! Do you not think he would have wept as well if he thought you took his love for granted and felt no compunction to give him anything in return? At the very least, as Shirley said, you could have offered him a hand job some-time when you see he is in pain! Even Katie does that for me! Just a sign, a kiss on the mouth in public, a token of some kind!"

"We exchange gifts all the time!"

"None of which would cost you anything, really, I'll bet! Oh, my poor, dear, precious Alan!"

"I really think you want to fight me over him?"

"No, that would even hurt him more!"

"And could you imagine how it would wound him to know why we were fighting!" Jerry half-sobbed.

Denny said, more bravely, "Well, you had your chance. You were even drinking Scotch with him on my balcony, if you recall."

"Yes, and I saw the hurt in his eyes when he felt he had hurt his relationship with you. He has loved you deeply for a very long time, Denny. He would have taken you in his arms many times more and even licked whatever part of you that you desired! As I would have him!"

"Then why did you never approach him?"

"Oh, he loved someone else, didn't you know?"

"Yes but if you felt so strongly, why didn't you at least give it a try?"

"A larger man with Asperger's and other afflictions, and not nearly as handsome! Denny, you know well why!"

Denny made as to lift his fist to Jerry and then held back trembling.

"Is anybody home?" rang out Alan's voice from the doorway, as he entered for the evening.

All three of the squabbling friends stood as if on cue, and remained in silence.

"Jerry, not one word, you hear me?"

"As if, Denny," retorted Jerry.

"What every one forgets is that at the end of the day, he still has me!"

Alan stepped into the living room and asked "Who still has you, lover?"

Shirley stepped into the middle of the room, and said, "Alan, we were just discussing YOU."

"In what respect?" Alan asked, smiling and looking at each of the three in turn.

Shirley answered again: "As to whether you are receiving just treatment."

"That certainly answers my question. Did none of you have anything else to do this afternoon?"

"Well, we did until Jerry walked in here!" Denny answered quickly.

"Why was Jerry so disruptive?" Alan asked.

"Jerry felt that he would have treated you better than I have! As if it were any of his business!" Denny replied.

Alan appeared more confused than ever. He turned to Jerry. "How do you mean that, Jerry?"

"I think I have more of a feeling for your needs, Alan!"

"Than does Denny?" Alan asked, slack jawed.

"Yes, frankly!"

"Jerry, what ever brought you to that conclusion?"

"I heard Shirley and Denny discussing your lack of need because of your preturnatural attachment to Denny, and lack of demand on him!"

"My, you two have been discussing me, haven't you?"

"See?" asked Denny, "he is overwhelmingly involved with me! I told you, didn't I?"

"I think I am missing a lot of the conversation, aren't I?" Alan mused.

"Alan, did you know that Jerry is a self-admitted homosexual?" Denny asked Alan.

"No, but I do not find it surprising, considering his sensitivity and superior intelligence!" Alan said softly, wondering what he had stepped into.

"So why didn't you tell your mentor, Alan, Jerry?" Denny taunted Jerry.

"Various people have various feelings about the subject, Denny, I knew that both you and Alan, represented yourselves as heterosexuals, and many of those people have very negative feelings about homosexuals, and I didn't want to risk Alan's friendship on that account, and I know how you feel about the subject!"

"Yes, but you felt that Alan could understand anything, didn't you, Jerry?"

Shirley stood up for Jerry, saying, "All right, Denny. Haven't you stood Jerry up for enough shame and humiliation, haven't you?"

"Look how much you put on him yourself!" Denny flared back.

Finally, Alan spoke up for his friend. "Both of you, okay, okay, okay!" and he added, "Jerry, we have been through a lot together. "Why, in the name of logic, did you ever agree to the sexual surrogate trial experiment in this case ? Not only was the surrogate the wrong sex to try, but you let me lead you into the sort of lifestyle that I was leading!"

Tears were trickling down Jerry's face by now, and he was wondering if he could ever get back in Alan's good graces after this shameful(to him) disclosure.

Alan went to him and hugged him around the shoulders and planted a kiss on his cheek. "Now, look, I can imagine that Denny proclaimed some harsh-sounding things about our relationship, but these are just Denny. I understand him and love him still! Can't you understand that?"

"Yes, Alan, and I know how you love him. Now I can see that should be all that matters, but hearing them from Denny's own mouth was just overwhelming to me!"

Shirley continued, "I confess, that I led him on, suspecting some things, that I felt were unfair. But, like Jerry, I need to confess that I, too, know the sort of relationship you two have, and instead of bating Denny, I should have let you both alone, in your own happiness which may be beyond the understanding of either or all of us!"

Denny proclaimed: "That's all now this is the end. Here's hoping we meet now and then. It's been great fun (?), but this was just one of those things~!" He stepped quietly to Alan's side and asked quietly, "How about a hand job tonight, lover?"

Alan began shaking with laughter and thanked both Shirley and Jerry for their concern on his behalf and once again reassured all that Denny was all he needed!


End file.
